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After becoming a bit more grounded in the meaning of this weekend, utilizing the following Christian meditation on “Good Friday” (here’s the link in case you want to check it out: ), I feel grateful for the time and space I have been given to share some reflections on this Easter Weekend 2022.

One thing you may or may not know about Ben and myself, is that we have been trying to have a baby for years. It was not until these past couple of months that we felt it was time to seek medical help around this process, believing that God created modern medicine to help us and that it would now be wise to get this type of consultation. After numerous tests and doctors’ visits, we learned that Ben and I both carry a gene that could affect a future child with a growth deficiency, that I would also need a surgery for a polyp removal, and that in the end, in-vitro fertilization is most recommended.

To be extremely honest, this news brought on waves of disappointment, anger, bitterness, and questioning… why would God give us this desire for a baby when there would be so many “hoops” to jump through, not to mention the extra time, energy, and money this process will take? Why do others get pregnant so easily and quickly and seemingly unintentionally at times? I freely share today that I still battle with these feelings. But why do I share these intimate details of this journey with you? Well, authenticity is a value of Be The Church. In my opinion, a closely related value is vulnerability. Though as a licensed professional counselor I can cognitively believe that vulnerability is actually a strength and is a necessary part of growth, I also know we live in a world that ferociously fights that sentiment every day… saying that “we must never show anything other than our absolute best to the world” (we only need to look at social media to know this is a cultural truth). But in this moment, God is giving me the strength to be vulnerable with you. Thank you, Father, for Your strength.

Going back to this fertility news, I realize that my reactions come from a place of privilege that desperately needs to be quelled (and when this privilege flares up again, re-quelled over and over). I now realize the faulty belief that has been masquerading in my life as God’s goodness and faithfulness. How did I go from the true understanding that Jesus was horribly murdered for all of our inequities and then rose days later to defeat death to “Because I am a Christ-follower, life will always work out in my favor and I will always get my preferences in life.” I am ashamed of this privilege that is currently rearing its ugly head. Yet, in this shame, I feel compelled to share, in case you are battling like me. The perspective that God is reminding me (and I hope you, too) is that HE IS GOD. He wanted us to live in perfect harmony with him all the way back to Adam and Eve and yet the actions of these ancestors led to a fallen and broken world. Bad things, horrible and tragic things, happen to those who love God just like they do for those who do not know God.

The unmistakable truth, however, is that for those of us who do know Him, we are saved by His grace. We have a choice to truly acknowledge His death on this day thousands of years ago, knowing that He rose again and that this is why we live. We can truly live in freedom in this roller-coaster of a world because due to our salvation, we have a heavenly destiny awaiting us when we die and therefore, until that happens, we are on this earth for a reason. Not to get everything, every preference, every want… but to truly walk out what it means to have peace that resides outside this world. I don’t know what will happen on this fertility journey. My wants and my preferences are screaming at me because they want the center stage. In my heart, I choose to say, “Your will, not mine, be done”… modeled by Jesus’ prayer all those years ago. This prayer most certainly will be easier said and done some days than others. But is that not what living for Christ looks like? Not being perfect in this walk as soon as we know salvation, but choosing to be saved, knowing that we are on a journey of being “perfected” by God; understanding that our growth edges will be tried, tested, and hopefully sharpened until the day we take our last breath? You as the Church (not a building, but a community) love me and support me when I miss it and can’t stop wallowing in the grief surrounding the trial I’m going through and I, as your fellow sister in Christ, doing the same for you… because these trials are not an “if” they are a “when.” Therefore, it is undoubtedly our task in this world to model this choice of faithfulness and endurance to those who do not yet know Him so that they may make a choice of their own towards salvation. I cannot fix the trials or hardships that you currently face or will face, nor can you do that for me. But with God’s grace, we can hold space for each other in love and acceptance and walk through the fire together. And when we all seem to be going “through the ringer”, God has big enough arms to wrap us all in and hold space for all our hurt and sorrow.

This is a call to action for me… to not wait until “things are good” to Be The Church to the world. The time is now because Sunday is coming and we know… we choose to live… by the truth that that famous tomb becomes empty. Hallelujah. Thank you for holding space for me, Be The Church Community.

I am honored and humbled by you all,


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